Love Without Limits

I’ve felt the need to write something for a while now, and if I’m completely honest I was counting on my next post being about me doing a triple back in the show or something like that… But considering the world pandemic we’re going through right now, that one will have to be put on hold for a little while and I’m going to tell you about something else.

So, this month is pride month and because I’ve recently had the desire to write a blog about something new, I thought I would share my ‘coming out story’ with you. I put that in inverted commas because first things first, I don’t believe in labels. Love is love and it doesn’t have any limitations. Lets just say, as David Rose would (Schitts Creek.. must watch if haven’t already), I’m into the wine, not the label. 

So this is my story…

Growing up in a gymnastics environment, same sex couples wasn’t something I was unfamiliar with, we saw it a lot. However it was never something I pictured in myself. Not for any particular reason, I just never really thought about it… if I’m honest I didn’t think much about boys either, I was very much uninterested throughout school, I guess I had gymnastics as my relationship, I mean I saw the gym everyday, loved it with all my heart and couldn’t stop thinking about it – even when we’d had a bit of a falling out!

I previously had relationships with guys and fallen in love a couple times, but then I met someone; lets call her Jane Doe (I realised after watching Blindspot that John Doe has been used to indicate any man of unknown name, with Jane Doe used for females, so this is why I’m calling her Jane).
Anyway, so I met Jane, and we got on really well in a small amount of time. Admittedly didn’t have all that much in common, but nonetheless, it was just like any other friendship… or so I thought.

We hung out and our friendship became stronger. Again, I didn’t think anything of it in terms of falling in love with her, until I started to piece things together and began to question it. It was the little things like, I remember I was telling her something personal about me and she put her hand on me, kind of like a ‘it’s going to be ok’ but in more of a caring way than a normal friend would. And when she went out and had a couple of drinks, she would message or call to tell me she loves me (naive me thinking the reason was because I was just being a good friend).
I was pretty confused at this point, as I’m sure most people would be. So I spoke to one of my friends who had recently come out as being gay. I asked him for advice and if it was all in my head or what the hell was going on. He reassured me and told me it was all going to be ok and that sometimes in life you just have to go with it.
One day I got one of those calls and she said it again, and I just laughed it off and her response after was something along the lines of “no I mean it, I think I’m in love with you”. It was then when things changed for me. I realised that I was in love with Jane. I was very blinded by love at this point, had completely fallen head over heels. Nothing ever happened between us, we were both extremely confused, but our friendship continued. We never really had the conversation of would we ever be together, or would things ever progress between us, I think because it was so new to the both of us it was just shoved under the rug – but there was always that elephant in the room.

Over a good few months as our, whatever this relationship was called, carried on. Feelings got stronger (definitely on my end) and Jane would still tell me she loved me and vice versa. Then around the Christmas period I had a job that was abroad. I was only away for about a week, maybe a week and a half. Jane and I still messaged, however not as regular as we usually would which was strange considering we would text almost every minute of our waking hours. The last couple of days of when I was working away, I literally had no response from Jane. As I came home my friend (the one I’d already told about what was going on) messaged me to say don’t look on Facebook Luce… So obviously, I looked on Facebook. Jane had changed her relationship status to ‘in a relationship’ and tagged the guy it was with. I was heartbroken. That feeling was like no other. I was angry, anxious, not to mention completely astonished. In that instant, I felt like my heart broke into a million and one pieces and like the previous however many months had been all a lie. 

In spite of that, I picked myself up and got back on my feet.
I was unsure whether to tell you about Jane, but I wanted to tell you where it started for me as inevitably she had a huge part in my story, she was my realisation. I do not resent Jane, nor am I bitter about what happened because if it didn’t, then it would not have allowed me to open up new doors. It taught me many lessons about trust, heartbreak and generally who I am as a person; and if she hadn’t told me she loved me, I would never have considered loving both sexes myself. So I guess I owe her a thank you. She made me realise that love is love.

So I got myself on Tinder changed the settings to both men and women and went from there. I wouldn’t say I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders because like I said previously, I never even thought of being in a same sex relationship. But I felt different. It was a breath of fresh air. Don’t get me wrong, I was still in a little bit of a confused place, keeping something like that to yourself probably is not the healthiest or the best thing to do. As I felt things get a little more serious in terms of my feelings towards both sexes, I felt myself get more anxious about it and start to think about all the what ifs.

I couldn’t keep the thoughts going round and round in my head, so I opened up to a couple more of my friends. I told Zoe and Yas on different occasions, and their reactions were pretty much the same, they were both as cool as a cucumber, like I had just asked them for a sweet out of their share-bag. Actually that’s probably not the best analogy for Yas as everyone knows she doesn’t share food haha! But you get my point… they were not phased at all and that reassured me so much, because they were right, it’s not a big deal!
I told Emily and was so scared to do so. I actually couldn’t even tell her verbally, I had to text her even though I was sat right beside. I guess when you’ve grown up with someone from such a young age, practically spending every day with each other, their opinion matters a lot. And I guess I was scared that she would think differently of me. This was not the case and I don’t even know why I thought it in the first place. The first part of her response was quite literally that… ‘I can’t believe you thought I would think of you any different’

One day I matched with Amy on Tinder; straight away she caught my eye and her personality didn’t fail to catch my attention either! We were speaking for a good few months before she asked me to be her girlfriend, in which I said yes. Once we were official I knew it was probably the right time to tell my family. I was so anxious telling them, I remember every second of it. We went to a lovely restaurant called Piccolino in Virginia Water (if you live near and haven’t been, I highly recommend it, it’s lovely.) Anyway, we all sat down and to level with you, I didn’t really have a plan. I would think about what I was going to say in my head over and over again but it just wouldn’t come out of my mouth.
There was an on-going joke I had a boyfriend called Aaron because I would spend the night at Amy’s and when we went out I had to tell them I was going somewhere anyway, someone at work actually come up with the idea it was a guy called Aaron, and I just never corrected her haha!
So, we were sat down, we had all had our dinner and then dad says “everyone ready to go then” I literally thought oh no, it’s now or never (I mean not never, but I got myself so hyped up, so for me it was indeed that moment or never). I sat in the middle of the table and just said “ok guys, I have something to tell you.” Then nothing was coming out for what seemed life a lifetime, however it was probably only about 5 seconds… I said “as you all know I’ve been seeing someone” as I was saying this Ollie was sat opposite me leaning back on his chair like he knew I was going to say Aaron. I then said “her name is Amy” and immediately started crying. Yes, sat in a lovely restaurant crying. Grace and Michael cuddled me and so did my dad, then my mum came over and gave me a hug. My heart was still on its way to falling out of my bum because Ollie had still not said anything. Grace turned to him and just said “Ols?” and the next words that came out of his mouth couldn’t have made me any happier… He responded with “I’m so happy” That was such a moment of relief, my heart was then on it’s way back up to my chest.

We then got home and I was putting my coat in the garage and my dad comes in and says to me “I’m so proud of you, thank you for telling us you didn’t have to but I’m so happy you did.” Again, my eyes filled up with tears running down my face. My mum then says the same thing, also adding “we love you no matter what.”

This day was a big day for me, and I felt so much closer to my family than I ever have and that continues to be the case. I don’t know why I thought family and friends would take it any differently, I guess there is always that fear of rejection. But I couldn’t have had any better responses and I know they love me for who I am, whether I’m with a man or woman.

I never truly felt the need to ‘come out the closet.’ I just said I was in love and that’s all that really matters. I’ll leave you guessing with where this quote if from as it is a very accurate representation, and hopefully it doesn’t take you too long to figure out… “The limit does not exist”

I was opened up to a new world and stepped out of my comfort zone. I am so happy and fortunate with where my life is at now and I try to continue to step further out of my comfort zone in every aspect of life.

Life is all about making choices, each one you make shapes you into the person you end up being – and I’m proud of the choices I’ve made so far.

Lets see what’s next… There’s nothing quite like home…